An Imperfect Day

When I was in high school, I was really fascinated by quotes.  I liked philosophical quotes, funny quotes, and everything in between.  I used to keep a book where I would write down (in colorful, decorated marker letters) some of my favorite quotes.



 
Today, I thought about one of the quotes I'd written down.
 





This is an odd one, and it fascinated me for years.  When you really think about it, it's actually kind of depressing, but it still makes me giggle.  Well, today is one of those bug/windshield days for me.  I'm not sure which I am, but I am definitely not a ray of sunshine.

 
I am sick.  Again.
 
I don't sleep more than a few hours in a row.
(Third trimester of pregnancy means bigger baby and smaller bladder.)

I was up for 2 hours last night being a very boring mom as my toddler battled another sleepless night.



There you go.  That's my pity party for the day.  Really, in the grand scheme of life, it's not that bad.  I know, I should pull myself up by the bootstraps, slap a smile on my face, sing a song, reply to 20 emails, and teach my toddler Mandarin Chinese.



But I'm not going to do that.


Nope.


I'm going to be happy with just being a patient mom today.




We aren't going to try 20 Pinterest Projects to Do with Your Toddler.

 
I'm not going to clean the bathrooms with homemade non-toxic scrub.

 
I may brush my hair sometime before dinner.
Maybe.


We'll have frozen waffles for breakfast and canned soup for lunch.

Max will have more freedoms today than usual, and the house won't be in top-top shape.  But that's okay.



Today I am focusing on grace and gratitute.



Grace for Max.  He's getting over a cold, and he has to be around a sick mom all day.


Grace for me.  Sometimes, it's okay to let go of being perfect and just be real.

Today, I am grateful that a lot of my online students are assuming it is Spring Break (it's not) and not turning in as many assignments.


Today, I am grateful that I have son who does pretty well playing independently.




Okay, as I wrote that last sentence, he walked over to me.  Pants-less.





Yep, today is an imperfect day.



But that is okay.  Some days are just like that.


Heck, some minutes are just like that.

This whole day could turn around in ten minutes.

 
(I'm pretty sure if I could have a cup of coffee that would be the case, but that's another story....)


Ah...coffee....









Sorry, I'm getting side-tracked.



Well, I better run.  It's time to heat up that canned soup for lunch.






Final thought:  Give someone grace today, maybe even yourself.

My Story: Part 2

If you have not read My Story, you might want to start here.





Once I had gained the opportunity to work from home for 50% of my full-time job, I was determined not to mess it up.  I became even more of a model employee.  I responded to emails promptly, completed tasks ahead of schedule, and was available online as often as possible during the day for my coworkers.  Even though I could have *technically* done a lot of the work in the evenings, I was diligent about staying close to my computer during the day so that I was never more than an instant message away.

I did this for two reasons:

First, I did not want to lose the privilege of working from home.  I wanted to prove that I could do high quality work in a timely manner no matter where I was located.

Second, I wanted it to be so successful, that they would not view me as an "exception" and open the opportunity to my coworkers.  I heard murmurings about people being frustrated that I was given this opportunity when they were not, and I viewed myself as a guinea pig.  Maybe if I was really successful, then they would allow others do to the same.  (In turn, this would ultimately help me by allowing me to extend the arrangment beyond the school year.)



While I was in the office, I did my best to shine and show that I was a fully participating member of our team.  I also did my best to be flexible with my schedule.  I would offer to switch my "at-home" days if there was an important meeting to attend.  When meetings ran long, I smiled, gritted my cheeks, and tried not to think about how desperately I needed to sneak away to use my pump.  (Remember, I had an infant at home!)



Despite all of this, it was decided that I could not continue to work from home.



Major bummer.



The reason?  My direct superior said it was just "not working."  When pressed on the issue, she said that I did everything fine and there was no problems with my work, but that she was feeling resentment and an extra burden when I was not in the office.    I wanted to say about a million things back, like Why didn't you share the workload better, then?  Why don't you request to have this arrangement, too?  I never said I wanted to be the only one doing it!  And on and on and on...

Instead, I politely nodded and made some suggestions about how it might work better.  But I was shut down.

Well, at least I can say that I tried...



In the meantime, I had expected this to happen.  About mid-way through my working-from-home stint, I suspected that they would not extend the offer, regardless of how I performed.  So, I made alternate plans.


I got a job as an online teacher.

 

 

 

At first, I only worked as a contractor for about 10 hours per week.  So, from February 2012-June 2012, I was working over 50 hours each week, commuting 2 hours each day when I went to the office, somehow managing to keep up with pumping and nursing, and keep the house one notch above total disrepair.  I was exhausted.  I got up at 4:30am to grade papers before starting the "real" day.  Then I stayed up late to finish anything I didn't get done earlier in the day.  I was running on fumes.



But I knew it couldn't last forever.




This was only a season in my life.  And I can handle anything for a season, right?




That's what I would tell myself.




Every day.



I knew that God had a plan for me, that this was part of it, and that eventually I would understand where it was all headed.


I finished my full-time job at the end of June 2012.  They wanted to keep me on as a free-lancer, but they couldn't give me any details about what that would really mean.  I didn't know what kinds of projects I would get, when I would get them, or how much I would get paid.


I had no idea how we were going to pay our mortgage the next month.  We had some money in savings, but we didn't want to dip into that too much.



A few weeks earlier, I had been bumped to a 0.25 FTE position as an online teacher (instead of a contractor).  The benefits of that were a steady salary, rather than being paid per student and course.  The amount I earned didn't change, but I was assured money if my enrollments dropped during the summer months.

When I knew that my full-time job was ending, I started dropping more and more hints to my online supervisors and colleagues that I was interested in increasing my status to full-time.  Some teachers had been stuck at 0.25 FTE for years without getting bumped up, so I didn't know if it would really happen.



But I prayed.



Hard.



For something, anything.



And God provided.



Within two weeks, I was bumped up to 0.75 FTE as an online teacher.  I also received my first freelance project.  Together, they would earn me roughly the equivalent of my full-time salary!

I was on vacation in Texas when I got the news, and I'm pretty sure my neighbors in Minnesota heard my squeel of delight.



Since then, I have been doing roughly the same thing: working steadily as a 0.75 FTE online teacher and balancing it out with freelance projects from my former employer.  Sometimes it is crazy, but I am confident that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, which brings me great joy.




With our next baby due in a few months, I have been feeling anxious about how I will keep up with all of this.  I have a schedule and routine with my toddler, but how will this work with an infant, too?  Then, I think about the year after that...I will have TWO toddlers (ages 1 and 3).  How's THAT going to work???






I have no idea.



But I don't have to.



I heard someone talking on the radio yesterday about how there is no grace in hypothetical situations, only what is happening today.  So, it isn't worth worrying about.



I know it will all work out just how it is supposed. to. 

When did my baby become a little boy?

In the past week, my 19-month old has done several things that made me step back, drop my jaw, and stare in astonishment.  He didn't meet any of those major milestones that you will find on websites and in pediatricians' offices.  The changes are more subtle, but in some ways they are far cooler than any of those official markers of age.  Now, I totally understand that some of these things might be cool only to me as his mom, but, well, heck, I'm a proud momma and I want to write about them!

He has become one of the "big kids" at storytime.


We often go to storytime at our local library for "babies" 0-24 months.  This week, I noticed that Max has become one of the big kids at these events.  It's now his job to look out for the babies and be gentle with the toys.  When did that happen?!?  I feel like it was yesterday that he was the one getting his toys snatched away by the big kids!







He can open and close doors.


He can't quite reach most handles well enough to turn, but he finds so much joy in opening a door to say "hi!" then waving "bye" and shutting the door again.  He's had the ability to push doors open and closed for a while, but I am impressed at his imaginative ability as he plays this game.





He doesn't need to be carried everywhere.


I'm rounding the corner into my third trimester of pregnancy, so for the past few weeks I have been working with Max to be able to walk more places on his own.  (Carrying him is getting harder for me, and I know it will only become more so after the baby is born.)

Two weeks ago, Max could only handle walking the short distance from a sidewalk to the door of a building.  He was so distracted by everything else, that I was mostly plucking him from the pavement just to keep moving.  This week he showed that he could handle walking farther and farther without getting tired or distracted by ice chunks, dirty cars, or stray shopping carts!



He can remember directions and follow them.


Sometimes I give Max little jobs to do while I am getting meals together.  If my husband is working somewhere in the house (usually the basement), I will write a note that says "Dinner is ready" and ask Max to give it to Daddy.  It amazes me that Max is able to hold onto and deliver the note while walking past roomfuls of toys and other distractions!








He added new words to his vocabulary.


Just two months ago, it seemed that he was destined to say little more than "dis" (this) for the rest of his life.  Now, he can say lots of different words, and even tries to imitate new words each day!  Here are some of the recent additions to his vocabulary (along with how they actually sound):

 

yes

(ahs)

 

 

Papa

(pap or papa)

 

 

roar!

(raw!)

 

 

off 

(means both off and on)

 

 

bus

(ahs)

 

 

 

meow

(mmm...with an adorable, cat-like inflection!)

 

 

 

bop

(I still haven't totally figured out all of the meanings of this word, but he says it alot!)

 

 

 

 



He doesn't sleep like a baby.

 

 

Gone are the days when shushing and rocking sooth him into sleep. I can no longer just swoop him up and hold him to help him fall back asleep if he wakes too soon.  I find myself having to think more and more about how I feel when I'm tired and can't sleep, or when I need to wind down for a nap, rather than what works for a baby. 

 

He has his own little quirks, like having to have a sip of water before settling down, wanting a blanket tucked up by his face to sleep, and watching me swish the hanging polka dots above his bed before I walk out of the room.  It is so fun to watch him develop his own preferences!

 

 

I hope you don't mind my musings about my little guy.  I don't keep any kind of journal, and it's nice to have some kind of record of thoughts and reflections like this.  Thanks for indulging me.  :)